The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Relationship Patterns That Damage Trust
In The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, John Gottman shares his research about the behaviors that either strengthen or weaken long-term relationships. One of the most consistent findings in his work is that unhappy couples tend to engage in four specific types of negative interactions more often than couples who are doing well. He calls these behaviors The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
People in relationships want to know that the other partner will be there for them, and each of these habits can quietly erode the connection and trust needed to believe that someone will be there for you. The good news is that once we can recognize these patterns, we can also learn how to shift them.
Criticism
Criticism happens when a complaint turns into an attack on a partner's character. Instead of addressing a specific issue, the conversation starts to imply that the problem is due to a personal flaw in the other person.
For example, instead of saying, "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren't done," a critical statement might sound like, "You never help around here."
Criticism often shows up with phrases like "you always" or "you never," and can also appear as loaded or rhetorical questions such as, "Why don't you care about me?" or "What's wrong with you?" Even if these questions are sincere attempts to understand, they often come across as blaming or accusatory, which makes it harder to connect or repair trust.
Gottman points out that when people start framing problems as their partner being "selfish" or "inconsiderate," it often reflects a deeper sense of betrayal or violation of trust in the relationship.
To deal with this, try a gentle start up. Instead of attacking character, the gentle start-up focuses on feelings and specific needs. It invites collaboration instead of defensiveness.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a way of protecting ourselves when we feel accused or attacked. It might look like denying responsibility, making excuses, counterattacking, or acting like the innocent victim. While it's a natural response to feeling misunderstood or blamed, defensiveness tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it.
One common form of defensiveness is cross-complaining. This happens when one partner shares a concern, and instead of responding to it, the other person brings up their own grievance.
For example:
Partner 1: "I feel hurt that you didn't call when you said you would."
Partner 2: "Well, you didn't text me back last week when I needed you."
Rather than acknowledging the original concern, the second partner deflects and brings up a separate issue. This keeps the conversation stuck and increases emotional distance.
To deal with this, try taking responsibility. Taking responsibility (even for a small part of the problem) creates space for repair and shows you're invested in the relationship, not just being "right."
Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It shows up when one partner communicates from a place of superiority, putting the other down, acting morally superior, or treating them with disrespect. It can take many forms: sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, mocking, or correcting small things (like grammar) during a heated moment.
Contempt suggests, "I'm better than you," and it deeply undermines the sense of safety and respect in a relationship.
Psychologist Paul Ekman, in collaboration with Gottman, studied facial expressions and identified a specific microexpression associated with contempt, known as "the dimpler." It's a slight, one-sided tightening at the corner of the mouth (like a smirk) that can appear for just a split second. It's cold, dismissive, and often unconscious.
For example:
Partner 1: "I really wish you'd take my work seriously. I worked hard on this presentation."
Partner 2 smirks (the dimpler appears) and says: "Sure you did."
That tiny facial expression, combined with the sarcastic tone, sends a clear message of disrespect and emotional distance.
Contempt often grows out of long-standing resentment and unspoken frustrations. Addressing it requires rebuilding mutual appreciation, respect, and emotional attunement.
To deal with this, try respect and appreciation. Contempt erodes connection, while expressing appreciation strengthens it. Regularly showing respect builds a protective buffer against resentment.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally or physically shuts down during conflict. It's not just silence; it's the absence of engagement. The listener might stop making eye contact, avoid facial expressions, give minimal responses, or walk away entirely.
This kind of withdrawal usually isn't meant to punish the other person. Gottman found that it often happens because someone feels emotionally overwhelmed (what he calls "flooding"). When that happens, the nervous system goes into a stress response, and the person shuts down in an effort to self-protect. Unfortunately, this kind of withdrawal can feel like abandonment or rejection to the other partner.
In his research, Gottman found that in heterosexual couples, men were more likely to engage in stonewalling, but it's a pattern anyone can fall into.
To deal with stonewalling, the couple can pause the conversation and take a break, take time to calm down, self-regulate, and come back when they're better able to stay connected (20 minutes for the nervous system to reset). This helps people return to the discussion with more clarity and care.
Learning to notice and shift these Four Horsemen takes time and practice. But it's possible, and many couples who've learned to recognize these patterns have gone on to rebuild deeper trust, intimacy, and resilience in their relationships. Repairing these habits isn't about being perfect. It's about staying committed to showing up differently, even in small moments.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
