Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Maybe a better question to ask is, “Who do you see?” This can be a difficult question for some, because our reflections provide more information than simply a physical description of the person looking back at us. Our reflection can be more of an introspection into our past, that represents the interactions and success or failure of securely attaching to a caregiver. Our definition of “self” can also be shaped by the quality of those interactions. In our reflections, we see the childhood messages that were received from those who we depended on most. For children, it is important during their development to feel validated and acknowledged by parents or parental figures. If a child feels loved, valued, and unconditionally accepted, those messages from their parents and caregivers will be incorporated into their reflections. The messages will become the foundation of how the child perceives the image that is reflected back in the mirror. They will shape self-perceptions, the ability to connect with others, the capacity to feel pride, and the sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Ideally, our mirrors should reflect a whole and undamaged image of ourselves that remind us of who we are and all we can aspire to be in life. However, sometimes caregivers are unavailable or preoccupied with dysfunction and instability in their own lives. Children can then become recipients of disdain and criticism, stunting the development of their internal sense of confidence and value. The image reflected back to them from their mirror then becomes broken or shattered. Through the broken image or reflection, the child becomes deprived of healthy mirroring which can manifest in adult functioning as:
Arrested development of confidence and competence
Hypersensitivity to perceptions of being unneeded, unappreciated, or unsuccessful
Hypersensitivity to the possibility of being humiliated
The seeking of outside approval or validation from intimate partners to compensate for what was not received during childhood
Fears of intimacy, close relationships, and fear of abandonment
Excessive neediness and difficulty being alone
Choosing to associate with people and maintaining a lifestyle that perpetuates the individual’s low self-esteem, sense of failure, and invalidation
reckless sexual behavior, substance abuse, gambling, aggression, and domestic violence.
Out of desperation, an individual with a broken mirror will rely on their closest adult relationship to reflect back a restored version of themselves. Or at least, provide them with a temporary filling for the gaps and cracks in their sense of self. Overtime, these relationships will fail to maintain their mirrors and they will again become fragmented within their sense of self-worth and validity. This subsequent loss of their intact mirror will leave the individual feeling helpless, vulnerable, exposed, and enraged as their mirror and sense of self shatters.
Is there hope for a broken mirror? Recovery is possible but will require work and commitment:
Be open to honest self-reflection by identifying, processing, and challenging the broken mirror messages that were projected onto you during childhood.
Commit to improving your self-esteem by defining what you desire in life and defining your short-term and long-term goals. Be willing to put in the work to get a better life and surround yourself with positive and goal-oriented people who will support your goals.
Avoid negative people and take responsibility for your own happiness and achievements.
Analyze your thoughts and cognitions. Do you have negative automatic thoughts and negative self-talk that are activated when difficulties and disappointments are encountered? Identify your negative self-talk and learn how to replace your internal dialogue with positive self-talk and positive affirmations.
Find a good therapist who can guide you through the process and provide you with the necessary support and skills. Learning the skills and finding the support can help you rebuild your mirror and develop a new internal sense of competence and confidence.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.