Ambiguous Grief
Grief and loss are a natural part of human life. Experiencing loss does not simply lie within the confines of processing death… it is all around us. Grief is not defined by death, but by a deep sorrow that we feel in relation to any form of loss. It is an acute pain, felt by many as both emotional and physical, that accompanies loss.
In the 1970s, Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss… a term to help people understand the depth of sorrow and feelings of loneliness connected to experiences that typically are not defined by grief. Things such as divorce, addiction, aging parents, or immigration—none of these experiences typically involve death, but they all involve grief.
For the addict on the road to recovery—there is grief involved in the process of letting go of the life they once lived. As they work toward understanding their addiction and healing, they must break through walls that they have lived with for most of their lives, walls built in order to protect them from emotional pain or trauma. The very idea of letting go of whatever the source of their addiction bears the burden of loss, no matter how healthy and important sobriety may be to that individual.
For the family enduring the loss of important relationships such as during a divorce. No matter how many moments we spend understanding and processing what the right direction is for ourselves as we stare deeply at the end of a marriage that we once thought would be eternal—there is grief.
For the family whose child is growing up and living a life outside of parental expectations. These expectations are heavy with loss. When, and even before, we have children, we spend so many moments imagining the sports they might play, the kind of person they might marry, the belief systems that we plan to instill in them… and when our children begin to stray away from these expectations and images that we have carried for so long—there is grief.
For the adult child who is processing the transition from child into the role of the caregiver for their aging parent who may be more forgetful, less empathic, or sick. Although we are steadily preparing ourselves for the grief that comes when this family member or parent passes on, very rarely do people discuss the grief already present when their body is still with us, but their mind is no longer the person that we remember them to be. As we long for their care or their companionship while reimagining the self as their caretaker… when at times they may not even remember your name—there is grief.
This idea of ambiguous loss applies to human experience in so many countless ways. What was first developed as an idea to better understand those going through some forms of the experiences mentioned here has now extended further into so many peoples’ lives as thousands of individuals wrote to Dr. Pauline Boss to explain how the concept applied uniquely in their lives. You are not alone in this grief, and help is available.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.