What Emotional Neglect in a Relationship Looks Like
What is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect in a relationship or marriage is when a partner or spouse consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond in a timely manner to a partner or spouse’s feelings. Emotional neglect is not something that happens, but something that fails to happen. This makes it a difficult concept to understand and discuss because emotional neglect is intangible. Often emotional neglect is easily misunderstood because, unlike emotional or physical abuse that features an identifiable negative action, emotional neglect is a lack of action.
In short, emotional neglect refers to a person’s failure to respond adequately to another’s emotional needs. Emotional neglect is the opposite of emotional attunement. When a couple is emotionally attuned to each other, they experience emotional connection and emotional intimacy.
Unfortunately, emotional neglect is common. It happens in many relationships in today’s busy lifestyle and society. Most adults love their partners. This is not about love or the lack of love. It is about bringing into awareness something that we may not be aware of and doing something about it.
What are the signs of Emotional Neglect?
Feeling alone is the biggest red flag of an emotionally neglectful partner. More signs of emotional neglect are:
Your ‘go-to’ person is a friend or other rather than your partner.
Lack of clarity about what your partner wants from you.
Feelings of being ‘alone’ in your relationship.
Lack of desire to engage in social activities as a couple.
Preferring periods of solitude over time with a partner.
Difficulty in self-soothing when facing stress or conflict.
Your partner shuts down or withdraws when you raise issues.
Prone to ‘numbing out’ or ignoring and suppressing your feelings.
Easily overwhelmed; a sense of helplessness/powerlessness.
Excessive feelings of a need to control your partner, finances, etc.
Experiencing consistent feelings of not belonging when with family and friends.
Tending to procrastinate with plans (i.e., having children, traveling, setting long-term goals).
Feeling you cannot be yourself with your partner.
What are the causes of Emotional Neglect?
The specific causes of emotional neglect may vary from one relationship to the next. Still, the overarching theme is a shift or transfer in the support one partner gives to the other. This could look like one partner throwing themselves into a new job or a new mom shifting her focus to her baby. And, of course, in some cases, emotional neglect in a marriage might be the result of an extramarital affair. The cause of emotional neglect could run deeper. Emotional neglect often stems from an individual’s own attachment injuries. If someone never learned how to have a supportive, healthy relationship in childhood or adolescence, they will struggle to make that change in adulthood.
Why is Emotional Neglect hard to recognize?
Because emotional neglect involves failure to act, it is hidden, invisible to the untrained eye or ear. An emotionally neglectful partner or spouse who does not verbally criticize or attack; does not complain or put you down; does not erupt in anger or harass you; does not display any form of aggression. It’s difficult to point to an emotionally neglectful partner because, after all, he/she does ‘nothing wrong’. This makes it harder, much harder, to identify what is missing or wrong in the relationship.
Can a relationship survive Emotional Neglect?
The answer to this is no. Although, with some effort and physical exertion, it is possible to stay in a relationship where there is no emotional connection, over time you may find yourself wanting out of that relationship. One of the major challenges with emotional neglect in relationships is that if it goes unresolved, the relationship may come to an end.
Can therapy help Emotional Neglect in a relationship?
Emotional neglect in a relationship is an issue that can be incredibly difficult to fix on your own, so a therapist can be very helpful. A trained professional can facilitate constructive conversations, help you get some perspective, and give you and your partner both the space to express your feelings. Additionally, a therapist is a neutral and unbiased third party who can identify emotional neglect. A therapist can talk with you and your partner to begin to understand what is causing the neglect. Discussions can evaluate things that have changed in the relationship and with your partner. Perhaps conflicts at work are part of the cause, or previous relationships are triggering flashbacks with your partner. Therapy will explore these possible causes and examine how to move forward. A therapist will also talk with you about how the neglect has hurt you and impacted your life.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.