What are you REALLY feeling?
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@sonderpeak x @laurenurie.therapy
http://Www.sonderpeak.ca/
Do you remember a time when you felt so angry that it was hard to describe? The feeling was intense, raw, and overwhelming. What was that feeling? Was it anger, sadness, fear, or excitement? Maybe it was an emotion you’ve never felt before, or perhaps you thought it was something else when in reality it was a completely different feeling. Before you can start regulating your emotions, it’s important to understand what you are feeling. Giving your emotion a name is essential. This is where the usefulness of a “feelings wheel” comes into play. Let's explore the different categories of emotions.
Primary & Secondary Emotions
Let’s think about it in simple terms. We all have emotions we feel first, then comes a feeling to protect us from experiencing the first emotion, which we call secondary emotions. But why do we need protection from our primary emotions? One word, vulnerability. When we experience an emotion that seems too vulnerable, overwhelming, or unsafe to share, the secondary emotion comes into action. Primary emotions are instinctive and immediate, whereas secondary emotions are reactions to the primary emotions.
To understand primary & secondary emotions more, let’s imagine a situation. Zac, a 7 year old boy, was scolded by his teacher during a lesson for talking to his friend. Zac’s reaction was anger; he started yelling and blaming his friend for talking to him. When pulling him aside, Zac explained that he really felt sad and embarrassed that his teacher yelled at him in front of the entire class. Zac’s primary emotions were sadness and embarrassment, whereas his secondary emotion was anger. How about in couples? Adam and Khadijah came into therapy for miscommunication. Khadijah explains that she feels ignored and unseen when expressing her feelings to Adam. Adam explained shutting down when she expresses her feelings. So, in this situation of pursuing and distancing, Khadijah’s primary emotions are vulnerability, sadness, loneliness, and hurt. Her secondary emotions appear as anger, frustration, and abandonment. Adam’s primary emotions are feeling inferior, anxious, and fragile. These show up as a secondary reaction of protecting himself by withdrawing.
Understanding primary and secondary emotions opens up so many opportunities within our healing journey. It helps us understand what we are really feeling and what brought that feeling. Emotional awareness is a learned skill; it is truly a gift to know the true emotions you are experiencing. Remember, it is ok to experience emotions, whether primary or secondary. I hope that this blog will help you understand, gain a deeper connection, and allow yourself to feel.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
