Six Ways to Navigate Negative Self-Talk
Have you ever heard the phrase, “You are your own worst critic? There is some truth in this expression as we all engage in our own inner dialogue, better known as self-talk. In different terms it is our way of relaying messages to ourselves throughout the day. We can motivate ourselves through challenges as our own inner cheerleader. There could be periods when we soothe ourselves through difficult moments as our own self-compassionate and understanding friend. Then certain circumstances can have us be critical of our own work as our own personal judge. As we continue this inner conversation there is a chance of falling into a repetitive cycle of self-doubt or unrealistic misgivings, otherwise known as negative self-talk.
Negative self-talk is when your inner dialogue gravitates strongly towards detrimental exchanges with yourself such as: “I can’t do this… nothing will change… why can’t I be happy.” At times negative dialogue isn’t that obvious. It can occur subtly, however, the main concept is the near one-sided statements of criticisms and hopelessness. The idea is to not ignore how you are currently feeling because at times we can be in moments of sadness or frustration. Negative self-talk is when you are engaging with inner dialogues that are never changing, and only cites all of your flaws without looking at your own positive qualities. If you notice these sorts of thoughts or self-talk happening, consider the following six things you can practice towards healthier self-talk:
Notice negative dialogue
Take note of when and where you have these negative statements creeping up on you. Gaining insight on how these moments occur will help manage negative self-talk. Here is a list of moments to start with as you practice noticing your inner dialogue:
Certain times during the day
Before, during, or after work/school
Being alone
During times of stress
Before projects
Before certain events
Decipher the message
Acknowledging negative self-talk can help you decipher your inner dialogue. We can identify when it happens, but miss the opportunity to hear the message. For example: “I can’t change” can be in a moment of fear or “I am not able to change” can be in a moment of sadness at the situation you are in or a moment of a stressful situation that is challenging. Understanding the messages that are going through your mind and the emotions that are attached to them will help navigate you through negative self-talk.
Practice realistic statements
Consider confronting your negative messages. Just like a debate with two oppositions, you are flexing your inner voice. Let’s look at the example from before: “I can’t change.” Ask yourself, “is this true?” Have you truly not changed over a year ago or over five years ago? This will challenge your negative statements and help you create realistic answers. An example could be, “I am not where I want to be and I am still working on myself.” The idea is not to brush aside the feelings you are having, but to be kind to yourself as a reminder of the exceptions to the messages you are receiving.
Remind yourself you are growing
Negative self-talk thrives in us staying within the unchanging statements we repeat to ourselves. In addition to challenging negative dialogue, it helps to make a list of what you have done. List your own accomplishments as a way to practice your form of positive self-talk, and a way to remind yourself of the things you have accomplished. It does not have to be considered grand, it can be a part of your daily life goal such as, “I have been walking for fifteen minutes for the past week… finally cleaned my kitchen… got through the work day…”
Make your personal steps
As we confront our negative self-talk it is important to act in accordance with what we are stating. This requires you to make and act on realistic, doable objectives. These goals have to be obtainable, you can’t create a goal of running a marathon next week if you have not practiced running before. In the previous example of, “I can’t change” we challenged this statement with, “I am not where I want to be and I am still working on myself.” Narrow down what you want to change. An example can be health, a goal can be, “to walk fifteen minutes every Monday.” Another example can be hygiene, “I will make my bed when I wake up.” There will be moments where you could not fulfill these goals, that’s okay. Failure does not mean the end, it means you attempted to do something different. Consider it as a learning experience of what worked and what got in the way. Goals can be changed by difficulty or changed in frequency as needed. Creating goals you can consistently achieve will help you manage the negative statements as you are slowly, but surely working on yourself.
Share with others
A final consideration is to seek out other people's perspectives. It can be difficult to challenge your negative self-talk if the statements are too strong. Different points of view can create new possible outcomes that we ourselves could not have thought of. Even just sharing what is on your mind can help alleviate the heaviness of your inner dialogue. It’s best to not keep it bottled within you. Confiding in those you trust could help you traverse the different messages of negative self-talk.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.