3 Things to Consider at the End of a Relationship
The word “breakup” is often seen as a negative, dreadful word. That’s for good reason; breakups are hard. Often at the end of a relationship, a variety of feelings come to the forefront: feelings of anger towards the relationship, happiness to finally be free, grief of a now-gone connection, and the emptiness of feeling lost. It can be difficult to find a place to even start processing what happened and what the possible next steps are.
Staying within the frame of possible next steps, it's important to remember to give yourself time. In this day and age we are propelled to “always” look forward, to get over things, and to “dust ourselves off”. While life necessitates some of these actions, it is as important to give yourself time to breathe and process what occurred.
Consider giving yourself time for self-exploration as a growth opportunity and self-checkup. During the period of the relationship there may have been a variety of feelings stirred, or moments that could teach you something about yourself.
Take this time to focus on you. Not your previous partner, not your relationship, but you and how you showed up in your relationship on a day-to-day basis.
The Process
Take fifteen to thirty minutes to center and focus on the following 3 questions. Find a place that you are comfortable and put aside any distractions. Consider having paper and pencil to write things down so you don’t have to worry about forgetting responses. Make your reflections as long or short as you want as long as you are being realistic with yourself. Give yourself time to digest where you currently are within your emotions and thoughts. Each question will have two parts. The first will ask you to list a few things, and the second part will ask you to identify a feeling. If you need a bit of help identifying some feelings, use this “feelings wheel”.
Keep in mind that we are approaching this activity from an introspective view. We’re looking inward on our feelings: not “how could I have fixed it”, not self-criticisms, and not a list of things that other’s define as “the perfect relationship”. This can be considered a mindfulness outline of where you were and/or maybe still are in the ended relationship. The key thing to keep in mind is centering this time to focus on you.
1) The Good
List a few things that come to mind for each question.
What did you like about the relationship?
What made these things enjoyable and what feelings come up when thinking about them?
Start with what you liked about the relationship. Identify the things that drew you in and kept you in it. It can be as straightforward as a common interest (what were they), it could be because of work (close proximity), or something about the partner (what was it). With the created list, identify the feelings you feel or felt about them. For example: “She was a very caring individual and was there for me”. The connecting feeling can be “I felt secure and accepted by her”.
2) The Bad
List a few things that come to mind for each question.
What was the hardest thing to talk about in the relationship that was important to you?
What made it difficult to talk about it and how would it have felt to be able to talk about it?
There are often things in a relationship that were difficult to talk about. It could have been about: money, dreams, hobbies, family matters, and personal feelings. With the list made, outline what made it a struggle for you to talk about it. Describe the difficulty of bringing up the topic and the feelings. For example, “I could not talk about my hobbies with her.” Connected response, “I felt anxious of her responses and was afraid of how she would judge me”.
Now flip the dialogue, imagine the topic being easy to talk about. Describe what it would be like for you to have the conversation and what it would mean to you. “If I was able to talk to her about my hobbies I would have felt less lonely in the relationship”.
2) The Missing
List a few things that come to mind for each question.
What were things you would like to have done, if not increase in the relationship?
What would it mean to do more of it?
There may be aspects that were lacking in the relationship for you. List things you would have wanted to have in the previous relationship. This can be in the realm of showing each other affection for one another, increased time alone, or a feeling that was missing (feel more appreciated). After making the list, connect the meaning, feeling, and importance of those things to you. For example “I would have liked to have gone out more together.” A connecting response can be, “I would have felt valued in the relationship”.
This activity is meant to be a small part of your own self-reflection. As you identify your own needs and feelings you can gain a deeper understanding of what you value in a relationship. A breakup can be devastating, but it does not mean the end of you, the person. It can be an opportunity for mindfulness and self-growth. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to experience your emotions, and remember there is no rush, take your time.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.