When the Holidays Aren't So Happy: Dealing with Grief
The holiday season can often elicit strong feelings of grief or sadness for those who are coping with the difficult loss of a loved one. For some individuals, this feeling can often come up even years after the experience of loss. The feeling of attending an event or family get together after experiencing loss can become deafening as the event highlights the fact that someone we love so dearly is missing. However, during the holiday season, grief is not just a word to describe the process of missing and mourning the death of a loved one, it can manifest itself in many ways. The term grief refers to the experience of feeling deeply and profoundly sad in relationship to loss, and in the context of human experience, this often leads to significant pain and sadness weaved into feelings of guilt due to trying to stay strong for everyone but yourself.
The holidays are ideally a time where families, friends, and loved ones come together to celebrate and rejoice… but this celebration can oftentimes be riddled with complicated and challenging memories. Sometimes there are endings and losses that are not connected to death, but connected to experiences that somehow changed the course of our lives in some way… this too is grief.
For those who have struggled with addiction, many holiday parties are shadowed with memories of engaging in addictive behaviors from the past or some of the experiences during times of intoxication. It is common for this to lead to triggering fears of relapse as well as heightened anxiety for all family members that may have shared in those difficult and complex memories. The individual and the family, children, spouses, and parents that have endured these difficult times may find themselves feeling on edge and worried during a time where we seem to all expect ourselves to “just stay happy” and the guilt causes us to possibly ignore the reality of how difficult those times may have been for everyone involved.
For the grownup children who are actively working toward a healthy lifestyle, spending their holiday season with family members or individuals from a past life can be difficult. These individuals are finding themselves swallowed by guilt and expectations and surrounded by those that they may have needed to separate themselves from in order to be able to set strong boundaries and process childhood traumas.
And for the children who are still children… to those who may still be struggling through learning how to understand and survive complicated family dynamics - because all families are complicated in their own way. Learning how to cope with the holiday season stressors that many adults find themselves processing in a therapy room decades after the experience has happened. The complex feelings of learning to understand that it is human, and it is okay, to feel pure excitement and fear or guilt at the same time. Many children find themselves enduring so much grief under the surface during this season, maybe pushing themselves to put on a smile and a positive attitude to try to help take care of their caregivers and bring them joy as well. It is okay when our children need a little extra support and a safe space outside of that dynamic where they can process and feel those feelings.
It is human to experience and endure the many challenges that come with the pressures, memories, losses, and changes that are associated with these times. Amidst the joy, the shopping, and taking the time to give thanks… it is okay to feel lonely, confused, and conflicted, and it is okay to reach out for support.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.